My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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