Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Randomize
