Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
