Your face is a jimmy john
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Randomize
