Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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