to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
