Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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