carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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