Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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