if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I have feelings that need drinking.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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