I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
