I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
