Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
He told me they were just razor bumps!
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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