I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
