I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
