hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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