I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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