take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
