I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
