using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
