i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
