I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
are you so shy because you have an std?
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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