Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Couch. On fire.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
