fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
