You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
You were trust falling into bushes
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
