"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
