he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
