OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
