I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
