Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
