oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize