At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Randomize
