Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
