I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
