Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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