sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
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