if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
