A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
