Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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