My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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