I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
