I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Randomize
