i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
