We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
