The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
