the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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