Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
