sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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