he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
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