We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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