the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
